Why Do I Want To Write?

 

I have toyed with the idea of writing for several years.  Every time I consider it I get excited by the prospect, think of the endless creative possibilities and freedom being a successful writer would bring, and then the doubts begin to trickle in.

“You don’t know how to write.”

“Stick to something you know, you’re a good and experienced teacher.”

“You’ll never make any money, you’ll just get rejected and look like an idiot!”

“You’ve got too much to do, you can’t spare the time, the kids need you.”

"You've never shown any talent in that area before.  Remember your GCSE English Coursework."

All this self-doubt of course is just an excuse.  Procrastination should be an Olympic sport!  Well with the onset of Covid-19 and having completed every DIY job on the list I find myself with no alternative but to finally take the plunge. 

Why do I want to write?  I want to express myself creatively.  

How thoroughly pretentious.  Well maybe, but there is something magical about creating a story.  Inventing characters and giving them their own hopes and dreams.  There is certainly something devilish in deciding their fate, whatever it may be.

There is also a pleasure in being able to relive events, people and places by describing them and commenting on the effect they have on me and those around me for the benefit of others.

Those that know me personally will say, "but you're in a band, you sing and play guitar and write your own songs."  Absolutely it is a lot of fun, and the three hooligans I share the stage with are my closest friends.  We have a great time doing it and long may it continue.  Nevertheless there is a creative itch that being in a rock and roll covers band doesn't quite scratch.  Generally people want to hear Blue Suede Shoes, not anything that I could write as a songwriter, although they don't always get the choice. 

So why not do another musical project?  An excellent question.  I have some musical talent and I could always play some solo gigs, or write and record a solo album. That's all likely to be the subject another blog post in itself.  I certainly have some plans in that area so stay tuned. 

But, I want to be able to scratch that creative itch in a different way.  I have stories to tell if I can find the audience to listen and indeed if I can express myself confidently with enough purpose.

It's that expressing myself confidently that is the difficult bit.  I suffer from anxiety as you might of guessed from the quotes above.  It's a legacy from working in some very toxic schools.  In such environments you are under constant scrutiny and the micro-management causes your mental health to suffer.  You can be a thoroughly resilient person, but the drip, drip effect takes its toll eventually.  Starting to write has helped me build some confidence again, but to get to this stage and actually trying to get articles published has been a real challenge.

Now with the support of family and friends I’m suddenly being all brave and taking some baby steps towards becoming a writer, but what have I achieved so far?  Well, if you're reading this blog then, obviously there is this!  I've been studying a writing course with The Writers Bureau, and I also had an article published in The Bentham News my local news magazine.

I've got a novel in progress and even an idea for a non-fiction biography, as well as a load of articles I've written as part of my course.  I'll be looking for more opportunities to get these published going forwards.

So what of the future?  I want to continue to hone my writing skills and develop enough self confidence to cast my anxieties back into the shadows.  I don’t expect to be JK Rowling, or even EL James, but I'd like to become a full-time writer.