The Ultimate Driving Machine?

Bavarian Motor Works

Growing up in the later years of the twentieth century and being a bit of a car nerd, I can fondly remember the glossy adverts for the latest models.  Each brand seemed to have their own identity.  

Everyone knows Audi was vorsprung durch technik even though we had no idea what it meant, progress trough technology apparently.  My Grandfather made a fleeting appearance in an ad for the Audi 80, as the hapless ships captain dropping the car from a millionaires yacht into the Mediterranean.  Audi's boast of the car being made from galvanised steel meant it wouldn't rust, was offset by my Grandfather reporting the car was ruined by the time they'd fished it out, off camera of course. 

Ford had a catchy jingle to go with Everything we do is driven by you.  Volkswagen had the famous Changes advert.  A recent divorcee played by model Paula Hamilton, throwing away her possessions until finding her car key.  She smiles and drives off in her Golf to the caption: If only everything in life was a reliable as a Volkswagen.

Land Rover has been The best 4x4 by far for as long as I can remember and Fiat's Hand built by robots slogan was cheekily rewritten by the comedy show Not the Nine O'clock News to: Designed by lasers, built by robots, driven by Italians accompanied by a picture of a motorway pile up.

BMW, with their rear wheel drive saloons have always marketed itself as The Ultimate Driving Machine.  Adverts would be testosterone filled speed fests, with chiselled males and beautiful girls in exclusive parts of the world.  These adverts appealed to a certain type of person which according to YouGov is:

"Male, aged 40-59, lives in East Anglia. They’re likely to hold right wing political views and work in the business, finance or consulting sectors. Your typical BMW driver is interested in motorsports and motoring, and enjoys dining out."

I think we might all add that BMW drivers tend to view indicators as an unusable optional extra but I digress.

So with this owner profile you may be surprised to learn that when we had to replace my wife's rusty Honda HRV, given that it had gained the structural integrity of a lace doily, we went for a BMW X3.  The reasons were eminently sensible.  It's a 4x4 SUV, it's a comfortable drive, it's an automatic, and most importantly it was cheap.

BMW X3

The X3 when launched in 2003 was the first mid size premium SUV on the market.  It was designed in conjunction with Magna Steyr, the Austrian tractor manufacturer who also built them until 2010.  

So from an ownership point of view I was expecting a relatively easy time, and yet the Ultimate Driving Machine is at times a royal pain in the behind.

With my mechanical skills best described as enthusiastic amateur, I have tackled the following jobs:

• Full Service and Oil Change.  Relatively simple and the car ran much better afterwards.
• Replacement of faulty Air Bag Sensor.  A real pain having to disassemble the passenger B-Pillar trim.  The part is discontinued and took a while to source.
• Repair Vacuum Leak 1.  The rubber intake boot split allowing unmetered air into the engine.  This caused the car to run rich with poor fuel consumption.  I ordered a new part from the BMW dealer and dismantled the engine ready to replace it.  I then discovered my own car had an oil leak and I couldn't drive to pick the part up.  I got the train which took three hours, I had to change at Carnforth and then had a three mile walk from the station in the rain to collect the part.  I got very wet, but the car got repaired.
• Repair Vacuum Leak 2.  A rubber pipe at the bottom of the engine perished causing high fuel consumption again.  This time I ordered a part to be delivered from a specialist.  Trouble was it never came.  I managed to find one from a motor factor 50 miles away in Leeds and had to drive there to collect it.
• Replace front brake pads.  A simple job, that caused no drama.

These repairs were relatively simple, just time consuming.  However by far the worst job on this car by a distance is the rear screen washer.  This is without doubt the stupidest piece of design in the history of the automobile.  I know that might seem a bold statement.  You might say what about the Austin Allegro and its square steering wheel?  What about the Saab 900 you could drive with a joystick?  What about the Morris Marina and its Trunnions?  Or even the G-Wizz or Suzuki X-90? There have been a lot of poorly designed and built cars over the years but, all of those pale into insignificance because the rear washer on a BWW X3 is Premier League stupidity.

Let me explain.

The car has a screen wash reservoir in the front under the bonnet.  It has two pumps, one for the windscreen and one for the rear, so far so standard.  The rear washer jet is supplied by a 6mm pipe that runs from the reservoir to the rear through the car under the carpet.  Again nothing too unusual in that except, BMW in their infinite wisdom decided to make the pipe in two sections.  The joint is on the drivers side of the transmission tunnel and is a push fit.  

So what? I hear you ask, well the problem is this.

When there is cold weather, the rear jet freezes.  When the rear screen wash is activated the pressure forces the joint apart.  As the now broken pipe is lower than the reservoir the entire watery contents leak into the rear footwell, where it soaks into the foam sound deadening material and rots the carpet.

Moreover, this pipe cannot easily be reached, that would be too sensible.  No, no, instead you must remove the rear seat, the drivers seat (remembering to disconnect the battery so the airbag system doesn't fault), and all of the surrounding plastic trim.  You then peel back to sodden carpet to reveal a small lake and the gushing joint.

The Offending Joint

Repair is the next problem.

The first time, I spent hours drying the carpet with a halogen heater and the hairdryer.  I simply pushed the joint back together.  It clicked and I thought no more of it.

Two weeks later it broke again.  This time I glued the joint.  That repair lasted a month.

This time I meant business.  I taped with PTFE tape, glued and for extra piece of mind clamped another larger hose over the top.

Summer came, the car dried out and I felt I had cured the problem, until this week when the weather went cold and the screen wash disappeared.  Yet again we have a leaking joint.

So what is the solution?  Ultimately a new piece of pipe from pump to jet without a joint.  That would involve removing the interior of the car completely and in the current freezing temperatures is not appealing.  I could send it to BMW who charge £500 to effect a repair without a guarantee it won't do the same again once the weather goes cold.  Instead I'm going to use a coupling that is used by water dispensing fridges.  They use 6mm pipe and it is possible to get a fitting to join two pieces of pipe together.  You have to order online as no one appears to stock them, believe me I trawled the local plumbers merchants and DIY stores.  I event went to a shop that sells fridges.

The Solution?

I'm writing this whilst I wait for my Amazon delivery.  Hopefully this is the permanent solution.  Anyway I've cut a hole in the carpet, just in case I need to repair it again.

The Battle of the Somme: The Terrible fate of the Newfoundlands

Barbed Wire on the Battlefield at Beaumont-Hamel

The Battle of the Somme is arguably the most infamous battle of the First World War.  Considered as perhaps the definitive battle of the war, the images of mud and death are some of the most powerful in recalling the horror and futility of the conflict.

On the first day alone, the British Army reported 57,000 casualties, still the deadliest day in its history.  By the battles end some 141 days later, over 3 million men would have fought along the 25-mile front.  Over a million would be killed or wounded for an Allied advance of a mere 7 miles into German territory.

There are many museums and memorials along the Western Front.  The multitude of cemeteries, are a stark reminder of the human cost of the war.  One particular memorial, at Beaumont-Hamel, just north of the town of Albert, tells the story of the Newfoundland Regiment and their tragic contribution on that sunny summers Saturday morning of July 1^st 1916.

Newfoundland Memorial Beaumont-Hamel

Newfoundland in 1914 was a Dominion of the British Empire and not yet part of Canada.  The population was rural and numbered just 240,000. The largest settlement as it is today was St. Johns with just 32,000 inhabitants.  Nevertheless, showing the same sort of enthusiasm as found across the British Empire, the Newfoundland Regiment was formed shortly after the outbreak of war.  After training in Britain, the 1000 troops were posted to support the Gallipoli campaign.  Then following a period of leave they were posted to The Somme.

The battle itself began at 6am with a prolonged artillery barrage which continued for an hour.  At 7:20am a mine was detonated beneath the German defensive position on Hawthorn Ridge, just to the west of Beaumont-Hamel, creating a 40-metre-wide crater.  Ten minutes later at 7:30am the troops went over the top.  The 10-minute delay had given the German defenders time to prepare for the advancing troops, and their advance faced a fierce barrage of machine gun and artillery fire.

Due to confusion, Allied commanders believed the advance had been successful and ordered reinforcements to push forward.  The Newfoundlands were given the order to advance at 8:45am.

Finding it impossible to advance along the communication trenches due to the number of wounded men, the order was given to advance on the surface.  German guns cut most of them down before they had even reached the front-line trench.

Survivors tried to push on.  The initial allied artillery barrage had destroyed any cover for the advancing men, save for a petrified Apple Tree, later to be christened “The Danger Tree.”  As men made to use the meagre cover, they were easy targets for the German gunners and many died beneath its branches.  Those that made it further were to find the German positions heavily fortified, and would perish in the barbed wire defences.

The Danger Tree

By 9:45 the attack was abandoned, and the few survivors made their way back to the Allied front line.  One man, Private James McGrath, spent 17 hours in No Man’s Land before managing to make it back to the safety of the allied trenches.  Badly wounded he had crawled a mile across the battlefield.  In an interview by the Newfoundland Quarterly he recalled that “The Germans mowed us down like sheep.”

He was one of the lucky ones.  The Newfoundland Regiment had gone into battle that morning with 780 men.  In just an hour 670 were killed or wounded.  At roll call the next morning only 68 men answered.  The regiment had been effectively wiped out, suffering a casualty rate in excess of 85%.  Indeed, only the 10^th Battalion West Yorkshire Regiment suffered greater losses in their attack at Fricourt, just to the south of Beaumont-Hamel.

In the aftermath, Beaumont-Hamel became a quiet part of the front.  Commanders had realised that the German positions here were too well fortified to be attacked successfully.

In 1921 the battlefield was purchased by the government of Newfoundland in order to build a permanent memorial to the fallen.  In 1925 the Newfoundland Memorial Park was opened by Field Marshall Earl Haig.  Since the confederation of Newfoundland with Canada in 1949 the site is maintained by the Canadian Government.

The centrepiece of the memorial park is a Bronze Caribou statue that looks across the battlefield.  It stands on a mound of Newfoundland Granite, imported specifically for the memorial.  Additionally, there are three cemeteries inside the park, containing the bodies of 700 of the fallen.  There is also a memorial to the 51^st Highland Division that fought here in the later years of the war.

The park also contains the preserved remains of the Allied and German trenches, and a reproduction “Danger Tree” in No Mans Land.  It is possible to walk across the battlefield and remember those men who lost their lives during the battle.  Perhaps the most haunting experience is to stand in the German trenches looking back towards the Allied front line.  From here it is possible to imagine how easily the Germans were able to inflict such devastating losses on the advancing troops.  There is a clear view across No Man’s Land, and as you watch other visitors emerge from the Allied trenches, they are easy targets for the machine guns that defended the position.

The visitors centre contains displays describing the history of the Newfoundland Regiment and their role in the Battle of the Somme.  From here it is possible to arrange a guided tour of the park.  These are provided by Canadian students that spend a year in France as part of their studies.

Access to the Newfoundland Memorial Park is free and the park is open at all hours.

Restricted opening hours apply only to the Visitor Centre as follows:
Open Mondays 11.00 - 17.00 hours; Tuesday - Sunday 09.00 - 17.00 hours

For information or reservations for guided tours contact:

Address: Beaumont-Hamel Newfoundland Memorial, Rue de l'Église (route D73), 80300 Beaumont-Hamel, France

Telephone: +33 (0)3 22 76 70 86

Email: beaumonthamel.memorial@vac-acc.gc.ca

Website: www.veterans.gc.ca Beaumont Hamel

"I Didn't Realise They Were So Good"

Revival of the Fittest at Victoria Hall, Settle.

Does it ever happen to you?  You know, you can be sitting minding your own business in a public place and you become aware that someone is staring at you.  You look towards them, and their eyes dart away uneasily.  After a few moments, the braver ones start staring again.  Eventually they might go further with an "Excuse me... was that you singing the other night?"

Now of course you smile and respond warmly.  They say how much they enjoyed the gig and once they leave, your wife laughs and says how much she loves being married to a 'real' rock star.

Back at University this used to happen a fair bit.  You would catch a glimpse of some students from the corner of your eye, whispering to each other.

"It's them... no can't be... yes it is."  They would point and nod at each other.

Now all this is very flattering, and as a performer it is a thrill to know that the effort that you put into rehearsal and performance is appreciated by the audience.  However I do sometimes get a little irked.

There is a certain type of person.  Not a friend as such but an acquaintance perhaps.  A person you talk to from time to time.  In the course of your various conversations it comes up that you are in a band.

"Oh really?" they say.  "That's pretty cool!"

You then talk modestly about the band and the sorts of music you play and the conversation moves on to other topics.  Some while later, that same person may happen upon you playing with the band by accident.

They sit, somewhat open mouthed at the performance.  Too ashamed to speak to you directly they will talk to your wife and utter the immortal phrase:

"I didn't realise they were so good."

Well excuse me for just a minute.  Exactly what did you expect?  Did you really think I'd be like a reject from Britain's Got Talent?  Maybe you expected me to sing like a drunk Japanese businessman at a Karaoke Bar?  Or that I'd mime to a backing track like Madonna at the Hacienda?

I've been playing in bands for over 30 years and I currently play in three:

1. Revival of the Fittest: A five piece Rock and Roll covers band.  We play a selection of songs from the 1950's up to the 2000's, based in Settle, North Yorkshire.
2. Dad & The Lad: My son and I play covers and some original material, based in Bentham, North Yorkshire.
3. Project Amen Brother (The Band formerly known as Cotton): A five piece band playing original material based in Manchester.

For each one of these we practice.  We practice together and we practice alone.  We work hard to ensure that when we play on stage we are as professional as possible.  That is, in my book at least, the absolute minimum expectation if you are being paid to perform.

Lets be clear here, I've written before about performers that don't prepare enough for performances and do a lousy job.  That annoys me with a passion because of the hard work and attention to detail that my bands have.

But people who expect you to be as bad as that are frustrating.  I can only hope that having heard us play they have their expectations reset at the very least.

Now who needs a professional band for 2023?  You've a choice of three so get in touch.

Revival of the Fittest

Dad & The Lad

Project Amen Brother